Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
