I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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