I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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