I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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