my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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