Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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