i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
