omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
