Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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