I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
