She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
