Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
