If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
