My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
