dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I want a musical about memes.
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