shes about as inviting as chlamydia
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I pour the whiskey from now on
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
