My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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