Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My ass is underappreciated
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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