moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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