Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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