Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
