I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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