I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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