maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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