I wish I could punch you in the face.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
