Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
