You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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