Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
