Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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