I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
