I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
