Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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