Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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