I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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