dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
