PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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