You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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