new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
