I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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