I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
