I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
