Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
