apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
