if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i drank out of a bidet.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
