Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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