I am spending my child support on dildos
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
