whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize