Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
