Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
