Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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