Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
