just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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