i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
