My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Congratulations! We have a period
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
