I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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