If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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