Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
